Getting comfortable in my skin again...

Way back in early January 2013 I outlined my plan for a brand new fit and trim me.  So that didn't really happen.  As you'll know if you've read last month's post "The Big News", 2013 was a year of introspection, decision making and finally some big changes.  But I was fairly despondent for a lot of the year while I figure stuff out, so it's probably not a huge surprise that the weight loss and fitness regime fell by the wayside.  It also added to my despondency - despite not really making any changes, I was upset that I seemed to be putting on weight rather than losing it!

So by September/October 2013 I was hovering around about the 70kg mark.  Not overweight for my height (according to my BMI anyway), but near the border.

In early November, when I made some decisions and embarked on major life changes, I also - suddenly and without planning - kicked myself back on the road to being comfortable in my skin.  I am not of the opinion that skinny = happy by any means, and I don't care what anyone else looks like, but for me, being 10kgs heavier than I feel like I should be meant that I really felt uncomfortable in my own body.

Finding my happy

If you've read my last post, you'll know that 2013 was a pretty big year for me.  In November I came out as gay, and separated from my husband of nine years (although we still currently live in the same house), and then met a wonderful woman, who has completely changed my world.

But the questions I get a lot are - did you know before that you were gay?  Was it a surprise?  How did you figure it out?

These are not easy questions to answer.  I've been seeing a counsellor regularly over the last year, and she has helped me to think about who I am and what I want from life.  In terms of my sexuality, I would say I started trying to define it at around 14.  I have a diary from then (I was never a good ongoing diary-writer, but I had regular bursts of enthusiasm), and in one entry I wrote, in highly sophisticated code "I think I might be a naibsel".  I'll give you a few minutes to crack that...

The big news

In my last post I mentioned some changes in my life.  I've been catching a few people up with the changes in my life in recent weeks, and the conversation goes something like this:

Me: "So, I've separated from my husband..."

Person: "Oh, I'm sorry." (sad sympathetic face)

Me: "No, it's ok actually.  We're staying friends.  It's just that... I'm gay."

Person: "Oh. Right! Well, um, congratulations?" (confused, not sure how to react face)

Me: "And I've met someone.  She's lovely.  I'm really happy."

Person: "Oh! Wow! Great!" (surprised happy face)

It's amazing how the word "Oh" can express so many different emotions.  It's funny how people talk about "coming out" like it's a one time thing.  It would be quite useful if it were - one big announcement so that everyone knows and you don't have to keep having the same conversation over and over again.  A surprising number of people have not been particularly surprised actually.  A gay guy I met at a conference, who was one of the first people I told, said he thought I was gay when he met me.  It was my eyes apparently.  I have lesbian eyes.  Who knew?

Kicking back into gear

I've been thinking about but not actually blogging for almost a year now. I have been thinking about my thesis but not actually doing anything on my thesis for more than six months, since I finished my lit theory paper.

So what have I been doing?  (Aside from working, and being a mother, and commuting, and all the other day to day things?)  I've been doing a lot of soul searching I suppose, for want of a better term. 2013 was a bit of a dark year for me, for a large portion of the year anyway.  I've turned some corners, made some changes and a whole bunch of other generic cliches.

I guess what I'm saying is hi! I'm back!  I know you didn't miss me because no-one reads this blog yet! Hopefully that will change.

I'll use the next few posts to catch you all (ha!) up on my life over the last few months...