Queer semantics

I'm a bit of a logophile (ok, a lot of a logophile) and collecting words is one of my hobbies. (I have a thing about that I will post another time).

Several times in my life I have been introduced to brand new vocabularies, notably (for example) during my own medical dramas, and during my daughter's cancer journey.  When I first began dabbling in the online lesbian world (I'm talking about support communities, forums and blogs, not porn, just to be clear!) I discovered a whole new lexicon, with which I'm still coming to terms.

Personally, I now refer to myself as gay.  Old school gay women seem to prefer lesbian, but there's something weird about that word for me.  I will describe myself as a lesbian (and I'm still not sure whether I'm supposed to say "lesbian" or "a lesbian") but it feels uncomfortable, whereas "gay" feels more natural.  I wonder if part of that is that I object to unnecessary gender-specific nouns like 'actress' and 'fireman', and can't see the need for two different words to describe a gay man versus a gay woman.  There is of course the whole spectrum of other gender identities and sexualities - bisexual, asexual, pansexual etc, but I'm not going to venture into that territory just now.

When I first joined Pink Sofa and was setting up my profile, there were a number of options I could tick to define myself, including femme, butch, lipstick, sporty dyke, leather, and androgynous.  Thankfully there was also a 'just me' box, and feeling rather overwhelmed, I ticked that and moved on.

Finding my happy

If you've read my last post, you'll know that 2013 was a pretty big year for me.  In November I came out as gay, and separated from my husband of nine years (although we still currently live in the same house), and then met a wonderful woman, who has completely changed my world.

But the questions I get a lot are - did you know before that you were gay?  Was it a surprise?  How did you figure it out?

These are not easy questions to answer.  I've been seeing a counsellor regularly over the last year, and she has helped me to think about who I am and what I want from life.  In terms of my sexuality, I would say I started trying to define it at around 14.  I have a diary from then (I was never a good ongoing diary-writer, but I had regular bursts of enthusiasm), and in one entry I wrote, in highly sophisticated code "I think I might be a naibsel".  I'll give you a few minutes to crack that...

The big news

In my last post I mentioned some changes in my life.  I've been catching a few people up with the changes in my life in recent weeks, and the conversation goes something like this:

Me: "So, I've separated from my husband..."

Person: "Oh, I'm sorry." (sad sympathetic face)

Me: "No, it's ok actually.  We're staying friends.  It's just that... I'm gay."

Person: "Oh. Right! Well, um, congratulations?" (confused, not sure how to react face)

Me: "And I've met someone.  She's lovely.  I'm really happy."

Person: "Oh! Wow! Great!" (surprised happy face)

It's amazing how the word "Oh" can express so many different emotions.  It's funny how people talk about "coming out" like it's a one time thing.  It would be quite useful if it were - one big announcement so that everyone knows and you don't have to keep having the same conversation over and over again.  A surprising number of people have not been particularly surprised actually.  A gay guy I met at a conference, who was one of the first people I told, said he thought I was gay when he met me.  It was my eyes apparently.  I have lesbian eyes.  Who knew?

Kicking back into gear

I've been thinking about but not actually blogging for almost a year now. I have been thinking about my thesis but not actually doing anything on my thesis for more than six months, since I finished my lit theory paper.

So what have I been doing?  (Aside from working, and being a mother, and commuting, and all the other day to day things?)  I've been doing a lot of soul searching I suppose, for want of a better term. 2013 was a bit of a dark year for me, for a large portion of the year anyway.  I've turned some corners, made some changes and a whole bunch of other generic cliches.

I guess what I'm saying is hi! I'm back!  I know you didn't miss me because no-one reads this blog yet! Hopefully that will change.

I'll use the next few posts to catch you all (ha!) up on my life over the last few months...