Finding my happy

If you've read my last post, you'll know that 2013 was a pretty big year for me.  In November I came out as gay, and separated from my husband of nine years (although we still currently live in the same house), and then met a wonderful woman, who has completely changed my world.

But the questions I get a lot are - did you know before that you were gay?  Was it a surprise?  How did you figure it out?

These are not easy questions to answer.  I've been seeing a counsellor regularly over the last year, and she has helped me to think about who I am and what I want from life.  In terms of my sexuality, I would say I started trying to define it at around 14.  I have a diary from then (I was never a good ongoing diary-writer, but I had regular bursts of enthusiasm), and in one entry I wrote, in highly sophisticated code "I think I might be a naibsel".  I'll give you a few minutes to crack that...



When called to define my sexuality, I eventually settled on bisexual, although in the end, all of my long-term relationships were with men. At Uni I had two mini-relationships with women, but they were more me experimenting with someone I knew was gay, rather than having a genuine attraction to them as individuals.  Which clearly was not a good basis for a relationship. And I didn't go any further than kissing.  Interestingly, a few people (including one ex-boyfriend), have asked me over the years how I knew I was bisexual if I'd never slept with a woman.  I don't think people really think through what they say, because when I said to the ex-boyfriend, bemused "So, before you slept with a woman did you think you were gay?" or to others "If you've never slept with a man/woman, how do you know you're straight?" they quickly backed off.  (Similarly I remember a friend at high school telling me how he didn't like hanging around with gay guys because "they might fancy me, ew".  I asked him whether he thought every straight female he met was likely to fancy him.  "No, of course not... oh, right".)

So why did it take me so long to realise that I'm not straight, I'm not even bi, I'm gay?  I don't really know.  My blogging friend Steph puts it pretty well right here - other than the religion (I grew up in an atheist household) that post pretty much describes how I've felt.  I did grow up knowing gay people, I went to pride parades, I had the opportunity to realise I was gay, and not too many barriers to living that identity, but I didn't. It just wasn't the thing to do.

One theory I've kicked around with a few other women who have been in similar situations is to do with children.  I knew I wanted a kid or maybe two (but one is fine!) and it's just easier to do it via long term relationship with a man.  I'm not saying I consciously thought "I wanna baby, gonna get me a man!"  It was more that I met a very nice man who became my best friend, and I put up with not really enjoying the sex because I thought that's what people did.  But once I had a baby, and went through some other life-changing experiences (stories for another day), I realised that I needed more. I needed to be happy.

Since figuring out that I'm gay, and coming out as gay (over and over and over) and particularly since finding the most incredible woman who incredibly loves me back, I am happier than I have been in a long time.  It feels right. It feels honest. And it feels like me.

I guess gay really does mean happy! ;)