Community "Pride"?

Since posting about my experience with the Pink Sofa I have had some interesting conversations about the nature of the gay community. While people have been outraged on my behalf by the way I have been treated by the Sofa administration, and supportive of my quest to get some answers, there have also been a large number of people who have said they are not particularly surprised.

Like in any small community, particularly one made up of people who for years have been marginalised or targets of abuse and bullying because of who they are, fairness and fair-mindedness are not a given, sadly.  While adversity and/or similarities can draw people together, they can also cause division - one personality clash can drive a whole group apart; one personal vendetta can be incredibly divisive. 

I've experienced similar things in the vegan community.  (Yes, I'm a stereotype - a short-haired vegan feminist lesbian!)  When I first went vegan I lived in the UK, and not knowing any other vegans I joined an online forum.  An innocent aside one day about running the Relay for Life, in memory of my granddad who had recently died from cancer, brought the wrath of the vegangelists down upon me. How could I call myself a vegan and yet support a charity that gave money to evil, animal-testing laboratories? Now, whether that point was right or wrong (and veganism has many shades of grey (not like that!) despite what its more extreme proponents might tell you), surely a vegan forum is the place a new vegan should be able to expect support, friendship and guidance, rather than vitriol and finger-pointing?



With the Pink Sofa incident, there was no obvious thing I said or did that I can trace back as the catalyst for my expulsion.  Certainly the site administrators themselves have no reason I know of not to like me.  I made one mistake, in trying to help two "basic" members connect off line, which for commercial reasons is against the PS rules, and fair enough.  This was a genuine mistake and misunderstanding however, for which I apologised, so I can't imagine that was my undoing. 

Why is it that in small communities there seems to be so much more small-mindedness and opportunities for personal vendetta?  Is it partly because in online fora we are communicating only with words, which lack the tone and nuance and other body language that provide most of the actual face-to-face communication?  I don't think it's limited to the gay community by any means, although as one person wrote to me: "...abuse, control and meanness is not ok .... but my experience is that it is drawn from fear and dysfunction that is too often found in my queer and fucked up community."

If we accept that experiences like mine are a consequence of being part of a small community, should we also accept it and move on? In my opinion, no.  It might be "just the way things are", but it doesn't mean it's the way things should continue to be. In my vegan forum experience, no-one defended me on the public board, but I got plenty of private messages of support. 

If no-one is willing to be a loud and open voice of dissent, to say "this is not right" and to try to change it, then nothing will ever change.  One voice may get lost in the crowd, but add another, and another, and suddenly the noise begins to be heard.  

My experience is a tiny drop of injustice in the scheme of worldwide injustices, but that doesn't make it less valid. So join me in speaking up against unfairness and injustice and together we can make a voice that will be heard.